Recently, my son, Jon Baas, sent me a link for a video he had just posted to promote a long-running series of collaborative Star Trek stories, “Star Trek Terra Nova” that he and other authors have been writing together for the past 10 years.

It was a nicely done video — surprisingly professional for a first video effort. He asked for my opinion of it from a marketing viewpoint, and there it fell a little short, unfortunately. He has since changed it to incorporate many of my suggestions, so you can’t see the original anymore.

I wanted to share with you — with his permission, of course — my original critique as a way of helping you to avoid the same pitfalls that he fell into with his video.

The revised Star Trek Terra Nova video is here. Hopefully you can get an idea of what he changed from the critique below. And hopefully you can get some ideas of how to approach the promotional videos that you create.

“Excellent job on the video! Very professionally done!

The one thing I would suggest is to ask yourself the question, “What would it take to excite me about checking this out if I wasn’t already intimately familiar with it and had merely stumbled upon it?”

Right now, the video starts like an homage to Star Trek. If I didn’t already know that you were promoting your series with it, I could interpret the superimposed words in it as describing something from the existing Star Trek series rather than as describing a new addition of which you want to make them aware.

Then, the video suddenly invites me to some vaguely described Star Trek related site. If I didn’t know what it was, I don’t know if I would be sufficiently motivated to check the site out. It’s just an invitation, with nothing that gives me a sense of, “Hey, this sounds really neat! I want to check it out!”

My mind wasn’t prepared to connect those superimposed words at the beginning with the invitation that followed them. I see those words as referring to the existing Star Trek series, so they evaporate from my mind when the invitation starts. That means that the invitation strikes me as coming out of nowhere.

Your written description that accompanies the video describes Terra Nova as a fan-produced fiction series, but what will make it a “must see” for the person who reads your description?

Extensive writings of over 40 authors since 2001 could be a tightly moderated effort of serious writers (which it is). Or it could be incoherent ramblings of a handful of Star Trek fans who write most of their contributions when they’re stoned. By using a bare fact, absent of emotion, your description aims at the intellect instead of at the emotions.

The durability of your series is a plus, but it’s not your biggest plus. Don’t assume that Star Trek fans will come to you because they rationally deduce that a series that has lasted for 10 years will be good. We Star Trek fans might not like to admit it, but we’re more Dr. McCoy than Mr. Spock when it comes to Star Trek. Hit us right in that passion with what we hunger for.

New, well-written stories. An intriguing situation. Compelling characters confronting the unknown. Those are the benefits that will grab our attention.

Brainstorming a bit, here are some emotional hooks you might want to consider, either as phrases scattered in your description of this video or as the script of a future one.

“What if you were part of a Federation crew

Crashed on a distant planet

Cut off from Federation support

Only a handful of friendly faces

Surrounded by a multitude of mysterious new alien races

Enjoy new Star Trek adventures

Or be part of the Star Trek universe more closely than you ever imagined”

What I’m trying to do with those phrases is to get readers thinking in terms of questions instead of declarative statements. People tend to respond to questions by trying to answer them in their own minds, even if they know that no one is waiting for a verbal answer. By creating questions, then, you get them more engaged with what you’re telling them.

Questions also help you avoid having them see your words as referring to the past series. Questions suggest that an answer is forthcoming. You subconsciously let them know that you’re leading them toward a “punchline,” so to speak.

The last two lines that I suggested in my brainstorming would also make a much stronger call to action than simply saying, “Join us,” or “Come explore the Terra Nova.”

Your series fills the hunger that many Star Trek fans have for exciting new adventures. And it gives those who would like to participate in creating those stories a chance to experience Star Trek in a way they never have before. Those are your strongest selling points. Don’t settle for a Spock-like, “Join us” when you’ve got emotionally-charged reasons like those available to you.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m seriously impressed by what you did with the video! I’m just looking at it (and the description) from a marketing standpoint and trying to see it as your viewers will see it. In that regard, you can make it more compelling and get more viewers to click through to your site.

It’s an amazing first effort, though! I hope this helps.”

My son also took my suggestions in another direction that I hadn’t anticipated. He took my advice about tapping into people’s emotions and created an entirely different video a few days later.

He’s even more excited about that one than he was about the first one. Although the second one is much simpler visually, it also freed him up to tell a bit more of the situation around which the series of stories revolves. That’s something that he couldn’t do when he had to fit his words around the visuals that he had used for his first video.

In many ways, the simplicity actually makes it more effective. You can check out that Star Trek Terra Nova video here.

You might want to check out the channel he created to let people know about his Star Trek series.

I hope you enjoy his videos. And I hope this critique helps you better tap into the emotions of the people you want to reach as you create promotional videos of your own.

Jeff